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I was born inside a community turned a toxic cult. It took me 20+ years to get out. Then after a few phases of reconstruction I found myself in a situation that I had to speak, not just for me but also for my childhood friends, boys and girls, also abused physically, emotionally, spiritually and for the girls : sexually.  And that's what I did but I never thought opening this pandora box would open deep wounds and put me on a path of loneliness, struggling to expose a past that most of my comrades prefer to forget. While they have been rebuilding their lives, I went to court, seeking for justice, I spoke out, I found a lawyer and managed to get 23 of them to On-board with me on a trial the cult was already in since 2 decades. So in 2015, suddenly the Belgian police and the state prosecutor had more information and more proofs than they ever expected. We broke the remaining of the cult apart. But they appealed the sentence, and they won, we counter appealed, and we might win this time, setting us on a path of the whole case having to be rejudged. This is ongoing since then.. Sometimes I feel it will never be over.. I feel like a soldier that can't abandon the battlefield because if I do  others will also quit. I started this exposure, this seeking for justice operation. But it broke me in countless pieces, it made me watch my own wounds in the eyes. It cost me a lot, at all possible levels. I'm proud I did it, even if it never leads to justice. I know what has been done will forever be part of our lives, including exposing this cult and its founder. At the same time of all this I launched my company as an entrepreneur, it was too hard to do it at the same time, so I pivoted to work for a digital event space, where I work now as employee. Life is being better but I feel I have no control over it, I feel that I put myself in situations that are reminiscent of my past. I find myself in toxic professionals relationships that I don't know how to fight, how to work for my own interests my own future. I let my boss walks on my feets and I don't know how to deal with that.. I just accept, fearing I'm not good enough to get a healthy decent fair job that have some meaning. So I endure. I stay. I wait. I try to upgrade myself and my experience so that I can leave  one day.. Rebuild again, and again.

All this process have been a very lonely journey, I'm so tired, I just want some normalcy, find someone I can care about someone that would know me for what I am, fully.

I'm confused and everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a battle to smile be social  be positive.

But I try.

And again.

Until I manage to fly.

But it's hard, it's painful, it takes so much time and even though I want to kind an inner balance on my own, sometimes I reject or runway from good things because I feel I'm not ready. I'm never ready. I'm always feeling awkward Un adapted, introvert but extravert.

I don't know how long I will be able to handle this on my own and this is why I'm looking for help.

I have a psy but I feel we're going nowhere.

Who knows perhaps this betterhelp app thing can help me find out help that I can feel it makes a real difference.

I'm searching for a path to grow without going back.

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